Where the mind can be

Back story. Due to my issues with trusting people I rarely let anyone in to my life. It's not that I don't want people in my life but that they are more apt to take advantage of you by using you for whatever they need, lying to you or about you (sometimes knowing you or the other person knows the truth but still doing it), or saying they care but really never know what you are feeling because they rarely hear it). 

So about 8 months ago I started playing a game DBD (Dead by Daylight) 🎮 on my ps4 that my son recommended. I couldn't tell you why but I was hooked. However my son recommended making friends because playing SWF (survive with friends) was a good way to play. That opened up party chat which was a hard thing for me to do but I knew playing where we knew what the others were doing was beneficial. Over the course of time I've met numerous people some came some went and then about 2 months in a met this group of girl friends who accepted me with open arms and gradually they became family. But that leads us to the now.

72 hrs of my life has been taken from me because I allowed myself to stress over a dispute between a few of the people in the group. I have to be honest if I had spoken up and told party 1 that I had been part of a conversation between them and party 2 and that party 2 was the one in the right maybe things wouldn't have come to the point it has.

I've spoken to my therapist about it and she has recommended talking to them about the situation. Which would be wonderful but I don't see how I can get party 1 to realize that this isn't the first time they have done the same thing and that they really need to apologize to party 2 for laying the blame on them as well as help them to understand this problem they have with divulging things they shouldn't about others when they're stressed out. If you don't want others to discuss your personal business with others you must give them the the same respect. It hurts to watch them alienate people to the point that people leave as well and not be able to explain why they've left because I know that for every reason given for someone leaving there will be an excuse made as to why the other person did or said what they did. 

So for the time being I am stuck not knowing what to do or how to do it to bring my family back together while trying to keep my mental health. 

On the bright side by this time tomorrow my 72 hours will be over and I can go back to the rest of my life. Kinda sucks not being able to socialize when I feel like I want to.

Unwanted Child

I realized at a young age that I was not a wanted child. My parents had a rushed marriage and were divorced by the time I was 3. I rarely saw my father after that as he was always elsewhere with his job in the army and I have clear memories of every rare visit. At 14 I thought I would get my chance to know my father when my mother decided to use the I can't handle her card (after my running away twice and her kicking me out once) and sent me to live with him. At first I really thought that things were going to be better only to realize a few months into it that my father wasn't going to be anything but my father there would not be the opportunity for me at that time and it may never be. My father rarely spoke to me about anything but day to day stuff no matter how much I tried to get him to tell me stories or become more involved in my hope's. That's when I started to realize that he had started a new family and I was the one to be left behind. Now don't get me wrong over the years we would connect but while he was raising his new family I was raising mine I felt I was an embarrassment to mr family man army guy and so I stayed away. Then about a decade ago I had reached my limit of letting him treat me like I was invisible and let him have it. I held nothing back and told him exactly how I felt about everything. I can't say that things became different over night because it took many late night talks about nothing for us to begin to rebuild our relationship. 

So for the ass who thinks that they need to keep sending me messages about how unwanted I was you are not telling me anything new. However your clearly mistaken in believing that I was unwanted in the end. Otherwise we would never have had the talks and visits we did have in the last decade that I will cherish forever.

Always Hurting

Many people believe that depression is a excuse and not real. 

I can attest that it is real and it can affect everything in your life. Mine has affected me since I was 12 and has been a daily struggle every day since. 

Now don't get me wrong it's not a everyday I want to die as most depressed people feel things differently day to day, moment to moment, comment to comment. 

Each one of us find a way to handle it, some do drugs or drink, while others sex or shopping, and even others with people and places, and there are those who self harm, or do anything to feel pain besides the pain they feel inside.

However there are many who as some say take the "chickens way out" and do kill themselves. There is no chickens way out to it. It takes a great deal of inner strength to fight the struggle not to end it all. 

When someone who lives with depression trusts you enough to share with you that they have it and share their thoughts don't just dismiss them. To be honest each time we hear oh get over it or you'll never do it we are given more cause to do it. The way our minds work if those that we love and care for are so dismissive of our feelings why should we fight to stay on this earth.

I myself have attempted to end it more than once and have spent time being "evaluated". I learned through those experiences that everyone believes that a pill will help with it all. I have been on multiple medications however I can't handle being on a medication that completely removes all emotions. I have had many fellow depressed people say the same thing. When you live with every emotion on a daily basis the lack of emotions can be just as frustrating and can and has led to their giving up and ending it. 

So the next time you get lucky enough to be the one who we trust with our feelings don't just dismiss us. You may be the one we need to help convince us that we belong here. 1

Why?????

I am soooooo confused. I keep hearing from friends and my children that friendships between the genders is a healthy thing and that as long as you're not hiding it in any way your partner should be able to handle it. 

But an innocent text conversation sent a 50 year old man into forbidding his partner from having any conversations with strange men recently. Strange men to him that is. Now the man has been unfaithful in the relationship more than once his partner has never been unfaithful and really doesn't want or need to be. At her age she just wants to be happy and enjoy her golden years. Not deal with childish jealously from someone she has chosen till death do us part with.

She's crushed and has been swallowed up in depression again. Hating herself and wishing just to be plucked from this life. She knows she'll pull herself back out of this black hole again but she realizes it's getting harder to do so with each drop into that hole.

She also knows that although she is in it till death do us part that may no longer be an option. She has made so many excuses for the actions that caused her pain to herself and her friends. She's beginning to see for herself what those around her see and can't just keep making excuses because she loves him.

She can no longer be accused of doing those things that she wouldn't do because she values her relationship by the one person who has clearly shown that they don't value the relationship in the same way. 

You just need to stop with the bullshit just because you don't respect her and the relationship doesn't mean that she doesn't. There will come a point when she gives up on you completely and walks away. Not only will she have lost respect for the relationship at that point but also lost respect for you.

If you're so worried about what she might be doing think about what you aren't doing that you should be doing instead. 

Something in the air?

I'm really beginning to wonder if there is something in the air right now that is affecting the majority of the men in my life.  Their moody as hell, one minute angry the next whining. Of course I can't mention it because they just get crankier and somehow I or their partners/family get blamed. Excuse me your mood/attitude is yours to control. All I really want to say actually is 

Me: did someone piss in your wheaties this morning?

Them: no

Me: then suck it up buttercup, check yourself and stop making your bad day everybody else's. Be the adult we know you are and handle your mood. 

If I were to act like some of them I on the other hand would be a b**** whose angry at the world and throwing fits because I'm not getting my way.

You have a problem find a solution, if it involves another person sit down and discuss it. No one gets anywhere yelling their fool head off or passively aggressively doing things to make those around them just as unhappy as they are. That really just makes them not want to be around you and at some point it becomes a permanent not being around you situation.

Witchy Time

Received my January Witch casket box. Love how every month I receive a new book of some form. This month a Mindful Magic daily type journal.  Always something to enjoy and use on my altar.

The connection I feel with my beliefs is such a wonderful feeling and the joy each box brings can't be explained.

Heartless actions?

So today I spent the day on the verge of crying you know the kind just enough to moisten the eyes but not flow over the lids. Why? Something trivial to some I'm sure. I have made a few new friends while gaming that I have begun looking at as family and possible life long friends for what remains of my life whatever amount of time that is. Until last night that is. Someone said and did something that at the time I thought I could blow off, Simple enough right? They aren't someone I have physically met and our only interactions are online gaming and they aren't the ones I come to play with anyways. However I had begun to feel that I would be able to just blow it off that is until I went to sleep last night, apparently not according to my dreams last and and this urge to cry today apparently. 

Now although I enjoy not only gaming but laughing with and talking to my new friends I've spent the day really debating if I want to continue playing a game I love that my son says I'm addicted to because I don't want to cross this person's path again because if they can be that rude and disrespectful to my feelings once they will do it again. I can't fathom why they would be this way with me. I try not to say anything that may offend anyone and if I do I would hope that those whom I chose to bring into my life are respectful and mature enough to tell me if I do so.

And that's today's post.

fraud is just lies with a fancy bow

I recently learned that my child you know the one who disowned me is claiming to not only be a reincarnation of a Norse Goddess and their spouse is a Norse God but also that they are doing readings for people. Which of course I mentioned to some of my fellow kindred members that they needed to check it out.  I sent them to my child's Instagram,Twitter, and TicTok accounts (nerdly.random.skali) without giving them any details or explanation so they wouldn't be biased in any way. They all were flabbergasted by what they read and offended as any honest pagan would be. I think they watched too much of Sylvia Brown as a child and thought as an adult I can do that. 

Makes more sense why I was disowned all of a sudden. Can't reinvent yourself and pretend to be someone you're not if mom can prove you're not who you say you are. I've spent time thinking about it and wondering if I or someone I know actually let their clients know that they are a lying criminal and was a teenage pedafile who reinvents themselves every few years how long they would have these clients. Just a few years ago they were atheist and now they're a full blown goddess. Once again you can't accidentally use someone else's credit/debit card, even if it's on file with yours you have to verify the card number to place an order. But after talking to my fellow kindred members I believe the forces that be will take care of everything and expose them for the fraudulent person they are.

However I did have to laugh at one part of their page. The claim that their vessel died and they were reincarnated as Skali. Your vessel didn't die otherwise you wouldn't be upright talking and walking. The identity within the vessel may have died and a new identity of their choosing took its place but the vessel still walks and talks. 

I can say one thing though I have no need to block anyone from viewing my site because I'm not afraid of what they might say. 

That's it for today folks.

Secrets

This morning I woke up thinking about secrets. There are so many kinds of secrets some are the great kind like a proposal or a surprise party, but then there are those that are deep and dark. Recently I learned that I had a relative that had been adopted out and for decades no one knew about her. I was blessed and privileged to be the one she reached out to searching for her bio family. I am hoping I helped her find some of those answers and am always here to help if I can. However I wonder if it was a secret that needed to be kept I realize that I may not be one of those family members who should have known but there are those who should have that had no clue, is this right really? Secrets can either help or destroy as we all know but how do we decide which to keep and which to not. 

I myself hate secrets as my childhood was filled with don't tell your mom and dad kind of secrets. The kind that destroy the innocence of a child while hiding the guilt, and depravity of a teenager or adult. I unfortunately was one of those children who lost their innocence while those who took it have hidden their part in it. I have been privileged enough to confront 2 of my abusers however neither has accepted their part in the wrong committed. Instead of accepting their part one of them instead explained to me how they had learned it and laid the blame fully on their abusers which they did name to me and that they didn't know any better. However they were old enough at a point where they knew that it was wrong and continued to do it that was on them. And just so anyone that doesn't get it does now a 5 year old child cannot seduce anyone period.  

So I have become over the years the one to confront and expose anyone with those secrets. The lies are revealed and those responsible are held accountable even if it is only by me. Every time someone keeps those secrets there is the risk of another person being affected in the same way. And although I can't honestly say who else my abusers affected I can honestly say that even though I didn't know that it was wrong when it was happening to me I as an adult live with the guilt of what my keeping those secrets may have cost another child. I am also bothered by the fact that I know due to some of my memories that there were signs of the abuse that were ignored and that if instead had been handled then maybe some people wouldn't be affected now in ways that can't be changed. 

Secrets are not secrets to be kept when they destroy others period.

Judgemental much

Recently I was unfriended and blocked by my child and their spouse on Facebook. To be honest I've been expecting it for some time now as I am not their biggest cheerleader on every choice they make. 

 For a bit of background. I have 4 children and for most of their lives they have all been sons. However my 2nd child has decided that they aren't male but are female instead. Now I may not agree with their choice however I have respected it and have defended it more times than I care to count. I may not agree with their choices in life whether political, religious, or personal but I will respect whatever choices they may be. However I have now come to realize that it doesn't matter. Because while I was being respectful of them they were stabbing me in the back. So today in true me fashion I'm speaking my piece. I have been expected to just accept that the boy I raised is now a girl and not be upset or hurt by it in anyway. Well I am hurt and angry as hell. Because of their choices I am expected to just dismiss a large portion of my life and memories. I am not allowed to use their "dead name" ever. Well I'm not going to dismiss any of it. For over 20 years I had a son named Darius and I couldn't love him more and I was so proud of him and his work ethic. Job from 16 hard working from what I've seen. Now I have a daughter named Ashlynn with whom I don't like and have no reason to be proud of because she has no pride in herself. She expects everyone else to solve her problems going as far as to.play poor me and beg people on Facebook for help because she can't afford to pay her bill's. 

I have come to realize that all I am to her is an atm. Since she left home at 18 (because legally and morally I couldnt kick her out before then for things she did to others in my home although she could have and should have been jailed for her actions) because I told her that either she needed to help out around the house instead of expecting me and everyone else in the home to do it all or find somewhere else to be she left claiming I kicked her out and blaming me for all that went wrong in her life. 

The stories I heard after that were amazing. Yet my husband and I have taken her back into our home only to be used and judged according to her standards again and again.

Just take responsibility for your actions or lack thereof instead of always playing the victim or wronged party.

Oh well one last person who will ever get another thing from me in life and death.