insights via movies

Today I watched a movie called Unplanned based on a true story about one of the youngest clinic director for planned parenthood. I've had it in my watch list for a while but would always skip over it when looking for something to watch. That changed today. You see it is something close to home for me. 

In may of 1987 and again in October of 1989 I made choices that haunt me to this day and will for the rest of my life. In May of 1987 I found out I was pregnant and due to my young brain and my want to please everyone I allowed myself to be talked into going to planned parenthood by my then boyfriend and having an abortion. At that time I was knocked out and can't remember anything about the procedure and never felt quite right about how things were done. Then in October of 1989 just months after giving birth to my second child who had health problems I found myself in the same situation with the same boyfriend now ex and in a new 2 week old relationship. Fearful of the future I allowed myself once again to be talked into going to planned parenthood by the same guy. However things were going to be different this time I refused anything that would knock me out I wanted to be aware of everything happening to me and around me. 

As I walked out of there that day I was someone else. Although I never saw anything going on I felt something in my soul depart that day I really knew what I had done the moment I did it. I couldn't change it, I couldn't fix it, but I knew I would never repeat it and I would never tell someone to do it themselves. I am pro life and at the same time I am pro choice which is an oxymoron in and of itself. 

I believe that each child is a gift from God, the creator or whomever you believe in and I didn't appreciate it as such back then and if I had been stronger minded it would have never happened even once. However I do believe in a person's right to choose their own destiny. I just believe they should have all the information and meet with a qualified mental health professional before being allowed to take that step. I know if I had known all the information prior I would have 6 beautiful children now. It may have been hard but I would have found a way to give them all a home. And yes I know you're wondering what about birth control? I was on it the pill with the 1st one and the deprovera shot with the second. 

I have told very few my story out of fear of disappointment, disapproval, and having those I love and admire turn their backs on me. But I can't do that anymore. If anyone is disappointed or disapproving of my actions and make the choice to turn their backs on me I can't change that as it's their/your choice. I can't change the past and am perfectly aware that I may not go to heaven because of my actions I have and will continue to pray for forgiveness each and every day for the rest of my life and the guilt will never end.

Well I'm Back

Hi One and All.

I've decided to solely be as a Journal, Poetry, Rant, Story Page.

Each post will be a part of what I'm feeling, thinking, etc along with a short excerpt of a story I'm writing. So if you know me personally don't do anything I might feel the need to speak about because I will.

Soooooo let's just jump right in with today's post. I felt like writing a poem/mini story so here goes.

She dreamt of a man true and strong, 

Just like those men in romance novels.

He would defend her honor in daylight,

And send shivers down her body at night.

She dreamt of white picket fences,

Just like everyone on TV had.

The husband that treated her like a queen,

Yet knew how to bring out the temptress in bed.

Yet those young girl dreams were never to be realized. She learned early on that dreams were just a fantasy that dissapeared like a cloud of smoke. There were no men like in the romance novels they are all just boys playing at being those men but never quite being real. That to them getting her to bed was all that mattered and they would tell her they loved her just to get their way. That promises were lies and I'm sorry was just another kind of lie. 

She learned that marriage and monogamy were just a trap they used to keep her and mistreat her in one way or another while they did what they pleased. Always with the same belief that it was ok for them but not her.

That's when everything in the young girl died. When living every day was a punishment and she began to pray each day that it would be the day that she would finally have the courage to just end it all. 

                 To be continued..........