Today I watched a movie called Unplanned based on a true story about one of the youngest clinic director for planned parenthood. I've had it in my watch list for a while but would always skip over it when looking for something to watch. That changed today. You see it is something close to home for me.
In may of 1987 and again in October of 1989 I made choices that haunt me to this day and will for the rest of my life. In May of 1987 I found out I was pregnant and due to my young brain and my want to please everyone I allowed myself to be talked into going to planned parenthood by my then boyfriend and having an abortion. At that time I was knocked out and can't remember anything about the procedure and never felt quite right about how things were done. Then in October of 1989 just months after giving birth to my second child who had health problems I found myself in the same situation with the same boyfriend now ex and in a new 2 week old relationship. Fearful of the future I allowed myself once again to be talked into going to planned parenthood by the same guy. However things were going to be different this time I refused anything that would knock me out I wanted to be aware of everything happening to me and around me.
As I walked out of there that day I was someone else. Although I never saw anything going on I felt something in my soul depart that day I really knew what I had done the moment I did it. I couldn't change it, I couldn't fix it, but I knew I would never repeat it and I would never tell someone to do it themselves. I am pro life and at the same time I am pro choice which is an oxymoron in and of itself.
I believe that each child is a gift from God, the creator or whomever you believe in and I didn't appreciate it as such back then and if I had been stronger minded it would have never happened even once. However I do believe in a person's right to choose their own destiny. I just believe they should have all the information and meet with a qualified mental health professional before being allowed to take that step. I know if I had known all the information prior I would have 6 beautiful children now. It may have been hard but I would have found a way to give them all a home. And yes I know you're wondering what about birth control? I was on it the pill with the 1st one and the deprovera shot with the second.
I have told very few my story out of fear of disappointment, disapproval, and having those I love and admire turn their backs on me. But I can't do that anymore. If anyone is disappointed or disapproving of my actions and make the choice to turn their backs on me I can't change that as it's their/your choice. I can't change the past and am perfectly aware that I may not go to heaven because of my actions I have and will continue to pray for forgiveness each and every day for the rest of my life and the guilt will never end.
